writers-block

Life's back on track and have been doing what needs to be done on a daily basis for quite a few days. A sense of stable dissatisfaction and the will to work while disregarding the immediate rewards has settled. Nice stuff does happen with me from time to time and it feels nicer cause I've stopped expected for anything good to happen while being calculative and preparing for worst case scenarios. Seems like a smart way to live - you'll always be surprised by whatever "good" events come your way and mostly be prepared for whatever "bad" events you might potentially have to face. I'll probably grow out my hair and beard again. Apart from basic grooming and hygiene, the overall look is fairly low maintenance when compared to a defined approach. I'm reading vastly quite a lot again and have started experiencing days where I'm alone all day, deep into work, earning my sleep. Although my social life is non-existent as of now, which I guess should be a necessary temporary phase in anyone's character arc, I do have plenty of time to build myself up in all aspects and am comfortable with a comparitively low frequency of social interactions. I do have a considerable number of writing outlets as of now (paper and electronic) and this one seems to be the most productive of all. I increased my workout volume recently to include more accessories over the staple of compounds and can experience soreness again. I personally remember even the most inconsequential aspects of humans I meet and such memories pop up in my head at the hint of any slightly relevant event. I wonder if other humans experience the same. I may seem like I'm in serious thought, but most of the time, its just irelevant memories.

Somedays.., I wonder…

Having my first cheerful light-hearted writing session for some time with some interesting music. There's still a lot that I haven't captured in these logs that is worth capturing and I could also use a some regular cleaning. This is more akin to free form journaling that I use to clear the clutter : only in this case, it isn't personal but epistemological clutter.

I do have several ideas lined up for execution but most of them are part of a large series. I guess I am enchanted by novelty and haven't built up the discipline to work on truly longer works yet (long blogs written down in one chain of thought don't count). I'm thinking of writing about the idea of being a sneaky reader. Structured around reading several books at a time to suit your mood at a particular time of the day and yeah.. I 'll head on to write about that now…

This wasn't really a writer's block I guess..

Have overhauled the website to smoothen out its rough edges and now it does look like a personal blog that isn't just another template picked up without customization from one of those static site generators. Haven't pushed out any content for more than two weeks now though. The brain dump is being updated regularly but there's nothing being published. I do have my habits in place and writing pipelines in place but a node set doesn't seem to have matured. I think of writing about a particular topic but turns out I don't have enough raw thoughts on the topic for it to be worth publishing. There's also this eternal generic dread in terms of my mental energy and haven't achieved that flow-state that I used to experience when writing during the last semester of my college. I used to have a stack of ideas waiting to be processed that I could go on about without much thought and generate descent content. Life was good then, generating prose and structuring my thoughts didn't take much time : I could write on distinct topics daily and there was this generic sense of satisfaction. I guess losing that sense of satisfaction is an achievement in itself : that does signify that I tried something different and didn't shy away from some exploration. I guess I could get started with book reviews to get the ball rolling.

Thinking of writing a book - just for the sake of experience :- the process of planning, editing, figuring out the pitfalls and publishing. Will stick to a niche initially that I think I can elaborate upon but not something too generic : pushing such projects (I scrapped one a year ago) down the line when I'm grooving through the whole process after writing multiple books. As for the initial book that I wish to write - will keep it restricted to something practical and something not too eccentric. The plan is to build my systems while working on a project and getting the meta-hyperparameters of the process optimized.

I did write about something : it just wasn't what I decided on in the last block dump on 0x2120. Currently, just getting into the groove of the flowing through the pipes I've setup. Just finished Common Lisp: An introduction to symbolic computation and will have a book review on youtube : considering the depth of book reviews I should maintain on the blog: should I get into agnostic details that apply to everyone or my experience with the book - probably the latter… BTW, I'm on twitter again : just to index what I publish - won't be following anyone, just posting links for future readers and viewers to know when something is out. Don't feel like writing about my life as of now : It's not that exciting but one good thing I grasped for good this week is the fact that the best anabolic on this planet is drum roll… water - am reading Dan John's "Never Let Go" now that I'm getting back to being healthy.

I just noticed that I use "just" quite a lot. My "just" density in instances per session is just too high. I also won't be posting this kind of stuff. Feels good to have a braindump that no one will ever be reading completely - stuff could just lie hidden for decades: in a plain site.

Anyway, I wish to build a heap of unique technical blogs that address something that isn't already documented and aren't just a "I found a way to do this slightly differently because I'm using a very different tool.., just cause…" but something that's philosophically grounded and well-thought about.

Can't expect to hit the sweet spot right away but with practice and hope: I can begin to raise my expectations.

Even the block rant is so unstructured this time : I'm not even circling to a particular topic that would be worth writing about. Life is back to a monotonous grind and yeah…, that's all there is to it right now : I don't even feel like complaining - I have the opportunity to grind after a long time and it low key feels good.

I still don't hydrate as much I need to but I'm getting there (I just felt the thirst).

There are many ideas that pop up in my head but only a few make it into a blog post (which is how it should be). I thought this was a problem when I was 20 : so I started blogging in streams - incremental daily updates with the occasional longer post. That made it seem that the blog in itself is pretty much alive. Now though, that I've decided on keeping it concise on the new main blog - I'm at a loss for what I should write on. So.., I thought of creating this specific buffer that will allow me to write about not being able to write. This will probably be a stream with chronologically ordered entries for whenever I have the urge to write about something but still lack the core for a post idea. I could blog about my daily routine (working out, work, reading, sleeping, repeat) but that does not serve a major purpose and would be too lack-lustre for something that I sit on for a week. I could write about emacs but that would be too disorganized as of now as I use it for anything and everything and it's pretty much evolving all the time organic and I haven't spent too much time on it yet to be able to comment on it philosophically. I could force myself to pick up some esoteric epistemologyical idea and write something mediocre that is a shallow echo of some of the better essays out there. I could talks about my plans (which is something I did on my past) but I've realized that that isn't the best start towards ensuring their executions. I could pretend I've interesting ideas to write about and slap on lexically bloated meat on an ideologically insignificant skeleton of an idea : but that would be just that - a facade. or … I could just go on about what I could do and not get anything done.

Anyway, I have found a somewhat locally stable optimum in terms of balancing my health, work and personal pursuits. Writing (ranting) about not being able to write about something is a luxury I can afford again. My life is still boring, but not in an abnormal way anymore. I'm spending most of my time reading textbooks,papers and within emacs (no problem there at all) but there is still this generic dissatisfaction in terms of what I'm getting done through out the day : I haven't earned my sleep in a long time. I may have fallen asleep due to fatigue or boredom or other insignificant reasons, but I haven't experienced a sense of having "earned my sleep" in a long time.

I was just discussing this with a colleague and he did resonate with this same feeling most of his days.

This general sense of dissatisfaction with yourself is healthy I guess. One shouldn't really be always satisfied with what they're getting throughout the day - that is a recipe for complacency. One should still be able to look at it objectively and not dwell on it longer than necessary.

There you go, I found something worth writing about. I guess I should do this everytime I'm experiencing a block: to clear out the chaos and write with clarity.

So, I'll be posting about this sense of generic dissatisfaction with the "self" on around (0x2120 + 7).